Reflections: Change

The transient gloominess of this winter hit me especially hard this year. It stirred up dissonance on many different fronts. 

I felt the pull of hibernation but my inner drive kept burning at my heels. My practice got sloppy. I was too hard on myself mentally. I pushed myself too far. 

I felt a growing distance between me and those closest to me but my heart yearned for sharing. I felt loneliness even in the company of others. The solitude turned comfortable and I became withdrawn even around those I wanted to connect with most. 

At the root of it all, I had the strange feeling that I was “breaking up with myself.”

During times of epic changes, it can be difficult to rationalize all of the emotions coming up to the surface. It’s almost impossible to see things objectively and get the mind back on track. It felt kind of like a brick constantly weighing down on my forehead, accompanied by fluctuating nausea. I guess the emotional and mental turmoil manifested into physical discomfort, never mind the consequences of my unfocused yoga practice. I was like an itty bitty boat in the middle of a huge storm. A storm caused by me. 

But this storm does not impact the core of my being, which lies deep below the turbulence. I can look up and see the rain coming down, waves crashing around, my little boat thrashed about. The deepness is calm. I am a passive observer. Able to experience and benefit from all the emotions on the surface but leaving inner self undisturbed. This is the imagery I come back to. This is my true self.

So, time goes on and changes come and go, I am at each moment dying a little death only to be reborn as a new person, on the surface grounded in my deep rooted core. These times are necessary and it is important that each moment of death signifies a simultaneous birth, each end a beginning, each little fear a growing excitement. For what is the alternative? A stagnant life of perpetual habits and comfortable cocoons? Artificial limbs for the sake of real ones? Give me pain and pleasure and let me feel both with the vigor and enthusiasm of the passionate, sensitive being that I am.